I recently left the company I was working for and took a new position with a new employer at a much higher salary. My business is IT, and I left the comfort and stabilty of my old job to work for a startup firm which I think will be a big success. They knew they were going to have to pay for quality personnel so they had no problem meeting my demands in terms of salary, benefits and stock options. What I didn’t realize is that while they aren’t skimping on compensation, the office environment they provide leaves a lot to be desired.

I can put up with the miniscule cubical. I can live with the lack of natural light (although I feel like a cave troll). I can even do without the cafeteria, water cooler, and coffee maker. What I really miss is my old phone.

You see, my old phone was indeed, not an “old” phone. It was a multi-line handling, LCD displaying, caller IDing monster that gave me more options than a new car salesman. My “new” phone has none of those amenities. There is no transfer or hold button, no screen to display who is calling, no headset and no electronic directory. In short, the only difference between this phone and a Garfield phone you might buy at Spencer’s Gifts is that this phone isn’t shaped like a cartoon cat. My job would be so much easier and my days so much more productive if only we had a real office phone system in place. The current system is so poorly automated that only a very small percentage of the calls I get are actually meant for me. Likewise, I get several E-mails a day asking why I haven’t returned phone calls in regard to messages I never received.
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If you’ve already read Part 1 of “Battling with Customer Service: How to Win the War,” congratulations! You’re halfway to becoming a pro. Follow these last five steps and you’ll be on track to bending the minds of customer service representatives everywhere. Without further ado…

6. Don’t drink and dial.

It seems like a good idea at first; the mind says no, but the six-pack says yes. You’ve had a great relationship for years. Why throw it all away over a silly dispute? You decide to pick up that phone, one last time, and see if they realize what they’re missing. Has this logic ever worked? Here’s a hint: no. Calling customer service in an obviously altered state of mind will cause your pleas to fall on deaf, yet slightly amused, ears. If you want customer service to take a complaint or concern seriously, save the six-pack for when you call your ex.

7. Call during off-hours.

Yes, hold music is corporate America’s version of water torture. To keep your sanity intact, try calling during off-hours. What are off-hours, you ask? If Company X has 24×7 customer service, try calling after 10pm. If not, try calling Tuesday-Thursday between 10am-8pm or any time on Sunday.

8. Don’t call a “special number.”

The blog of a spurned employee, a news station, or a radio show might give you some kind of “secret” and “internal” number to Company X. They may claim it will eliminate hold time. Oftentimes, these “special numbers” are specifically for field technicians or an obscure department that cannot handle the concern. Call the main customer service number and pick the correct department. The towering inferno that is the Voice Response Unit may mistake your spoken request to “pay a bill in Iowa” for “cancelling all services immediately in Connecticut,” but simply stating “agent” to the VRU may get you to a real, live person. If “agent” does not work, try similar terms such as “operator,” “representative,” “customer service,” “parasite from the nether world,” or “spawn of Satan.”
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Because of a recent boom in business, my company needed to update our office phone system. We had a very nice system in place already, but our business had tripled within a matter of months. Since we rely on phone orders for the vast majority of our sales, we needed to upgrade in order to handle the increase in call volume. We were lucky to have a great relationship with our telephone equipment provider, as within days we were able to have a new system ready to put in place. It’s not often that businesses find themselves in situations like this, but when they do come up, it’s important to know that the companies you have chosen to do business with are capable of meeting your needs in a timely manner.

Prior to this happening, we had a trunk study performed, after which we were told that we were losing business as a result of not having a new phone system in place. Anyone who has ever run a business knows that losing money because you are ill equipped to handle your customer’s needs is the worst way to lose money. Being able to make a phone call and knowing it would be taken care of quickly and efficiently was a great relief to me. I knew that with every passing day, thousands of dollars were being lost and that’s something I couldn’t afford to let happen. The whole situation made me think about the importance of knowing qualified vendors who can get you the products you need, when you need them.
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Customer service, how I loathe thee. Let me count the ways. The never-ending loop of obnoxious hold music. The pressure to buy new products and services. The poor-quality, outsourced call to a distant land.

A call to customer service can be an infuriating ending to a frustrating experience. You’re upset and looking for empathy, but all you encounter is disappointment. Could Company X have done something differently? Probably, but if you follow these tips when dealing with customer service, you’ll be in the driver’s seat for the next dispute.

1. Be prepared.

Seems basic, right? Unless you’ve called Company X several times, you’re probably not familiar with their required information. Have every tracking number, account number, itemized statement, and order number before you call. Customer service representatives are held responsible for torturous call-handling metrics designed by masochistic management. Length of call, resolution (if the customer calls back to the company within an allocated amount of time), and randomly monitored calls are measured stringently. Bottom line: they want to help you quickly and completely, lest a superior crack a whip.
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